Aging a year older, hopefully wiser as well. This post is the first in a long while. I just thought I'd share a story, just to let it be out there somewhere, and someday I'll come back to it again and see how much has changed.
Ever since 2012, I've been afraid of celebrating my birthday. Don't get me wrong, I've had happy celebrations before and every year after. But that year, my beloved grandma passed a few days after my birthday. I've always felt a little regret for that occasion. She passed due to choking on some food and no matter what I told myself, I felt that if I had been there, I could have help avoid that. With experience in first aid, I felt I probably could have. But that day, I was busy with college, and the public transports were running a little late. When I got the call from my mom, I was still an hour away from home.
Ever since then, I've been afraid of being too happy during my birthday. Like they say, when things are going too well, there's bound to be something coming up. Please, don't get me wrong, but I've grown wary of that feeling, that things will just take a turn. Yes, you could say I'm a bit afraid. The next year, I broke up with my then girlfriend for reasons I can't even recall, other than it wasn't my decision to make, except that I had to accept the fact that she didn't see us the way she did in the beginning anymore.
I've also had a fair share of happy birthdays after, however it's this small nagging feeling, as my birthday draws closer, I just get cautious of being too happy. To the point I just hope to pass it without any fanfare or big celebration. Just a quiet one will do. Some might say I'm focusing too much on the negatives, but I've tried not to. I've tried but I always get cautious. Things happen, they say, and it's not my fault. It was just coincidence that it happened during that time, they keep reminding me.
Just last year, I celebrated my birthday, and I guess it was a happy one. But just a few days later I got served a letter notifying me that the company was reshuffling and I was part of the staff to be retrenched. It was a bad time, especially with CoVid-19. It was coincidence. It was not my fault. It's life. But I just felt, something was bound to happen.
Maybe a part of me just prepared myself so that when things happen, I could soften the blow. I could say "I saw it coming. I knew something was going to come." Friends have told me that I shouldn't hang on to this feeling, I'm just ruining myself. I don't really know anymore.
Life is always unpredictable, and it throws curveballs when you least expect it to. I am afraid. I admit it. But I'm also trying not to expect the worse, but how can I not, when history itself, my history, has a few patterns that repeats itself? I am afraid, not of the future, but repeating the same pain. I know I am afraid of the same pain. Maybe I'll grow numb to it over time? Maybe not.
But for now, I'm 28. Please be kind to me, universe. I'm tired.
